just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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