I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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