At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
