there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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