Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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