I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
