i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize