I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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