Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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