Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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