Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
