you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
