if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
