If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
