Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
