My room smells like vodka and shame
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dignity is for republicans.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
