If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
