I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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