Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
