i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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