How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
