Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
