she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
