yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
