I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
