My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
