At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
