I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
