No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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