What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
