I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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