The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
