don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize