My liver just broke up with me...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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