This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
