my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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