how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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