After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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