I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
