no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
did i just pee glitter
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
