He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
