I want to have your abortion
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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