I just pynch a tree in the face
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize