K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
and she was petting her beer can
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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