I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
