I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
