My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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