I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
