I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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