So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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