Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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