New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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