im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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