Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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