rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
