It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dick very happy bro
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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