At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize