I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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